Posts in Diary
Nana’s Bathroom
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When we first moved here I wasn’t very fond of the wallpaper but now I absolutely love it. I feel like I’ve stepped out of my ‘everything must be white’ and just come to realise that sometimes patterns and colours are beautiful in all of their mess.

 

Tonight my darling heart showed me how he could balance on the edge of the bath in the vortex that is Nana’s patterned bathroom. We’ve created some pretty special memories while living with Nana Barb over the last six months.

 

I can’t believe it’s been six months already, we said we’d stay for 10 weeks. I’m so excited for our next chapter.

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My real butt
 
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I overheard a convo in Bali that really stuck with me, a couple of gorgeous girls were saying "you know what I just don't even know what a real butt looks like anymore after all these tuned insta butts on my feed".  So here it is, my real butt.  Some days I'm a little self conscious about it, weirdly more so in a shorter skirt that in a bikini, but just incase you too have forgotten what a real butt looks like here's my version, soft, curvy, dimpled and peachy!

And who doesn't love a good before and after? I just wanted to add the before (on the left) to show you that I didn't apply my filter to hide anything, if anything bringing up the shadows makes it look more dimpled/like real life. Lots of love XO 

Feeling the feels.
 
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Wow. I think from this I’ve learnt that I’m not so good at talking about the hard stuff, or maybe I’m just afraid that I might come across as sad and I don’t want to be the sad girl.

Well, I am sad.  I'm also happy.  Emotions are not constant, they ebb and flow and mix like paint, you know the way paint does with the lines and swirls and beautifulness.  That’s like the happy and sad and everything between and outside of these emotions.

Some moments I’m crying and have happy thoughts, and my sadness breaks.  I like to watch my thoughts while I’m upset, it’s funny (yes, slightly comical) when I do.  I realise that I have the same thoughts over and over again and they make me feel repetitively sad.  Then I break them.  Take deep breaths and maybe I might cry again if I feel I need to.  Same goes for happiness, this is kind of how gratitude works.  The more you think something it triggers a joyous feeling and the more you think it the more you feel it.  Like the more you drive the same route to a destination, the more familiar it becomes, until you know it off my heart and you no longer have to even think about left or right, you just go.  This is the same as the pathways in the brain. 

Someone once told me how you only physiologically feel an emotion for 90seconds, you could literally watch a clock and when those 90 seconds are up, unless you repeat that thought and sit in it, then it’s gone.  Knowing this I have to practice feeling, expressing and crying.  I do feel sadness, and I now also cry.  What I don’t do is play the victim game or go near the “why me” mentality. 

My Mama is sick, like really sick. It’s been six months and the doctors/specialists/surgeons still don’t know what’s going on.  Blood tests indicate cancer but they can’t find it.  She has lists of symptoms and still they’re not sure. So it’s ok for me to be sad some moments, some days.

Please respect that I’m not asking for suggestions, I really just wanted to share this with you.  But Babes, your love, prayers and healing vibes are appreciated more than you know. ♡

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Oh my, we got a bunny...
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On Sunday we went to the pet shop to test the ph of Vinny's water for his fish and what do ya know, we retuned home with thee cutest little bunny.

Okay so it wasn't quite that simple, between seeing the dwarf bunnies (there was two) and actually bringing ours home was a whole day! During this time we visited three other pet shops to see if any of them had dwarf bunnies. We consulted both of our Mums to get their opinions.  We also googled about eating cords, what to feed bunnies, toilet training etc then we went back to buy her, well that was my plan.  Then on our second visit to the original store Vinny announced he thought it was terrible idea so we left.  I almost cried.  Once home we realised we had promised Cas some new duplo (he's such a creative little builder) and Vinny asked if I would take him while he stayed home...

Me | You know if we go without you we'll come back with a Bunny right?

Vinny | Yea I though that might happen...

We chatted it over a little then Cas and I went to get the bunny!  Buuuut you don't just get the bunny, there's the cage, the hay, the bedding, the toys, the food, the bowls, the toilet and the actual bunny.  Vinny opened her before I had even unpacking her stuff and you can bet he's her favourite.  She's settling in slowly.  She loves to eat dandelions and I absolutely love it when she chases herself around and thumps her back leg.  So now we have a bunny, we're heading down to Taranaki to see my Mum next week and you guessed it, the bunny's coming too!

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Fish and chips with friends. Back Beach, Taranaki
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Fish and chips should always be eaten in great company and with a spectacular view.  On our last night in Taranaki after Christmas we met up with our good friends Freyja, Blanton and Baby Otis to enjoy fish and chips in the early evening sun.  Cas enjoyed feeding the birds more than he did himself that's for sure.  The seagulls went crazy!  Lol, I recommend waiting till everyones finished eating before the bird feeding! I love going back home to the West Coast and enjoying afternoon sun and beautiful sunsets!! Hope you're having wonderful holidays Babes! XO

VIDEO | HB AP!! Shakespare Regional Park, Auckland Region.

I made this little video for my gf @abbyplested for her birthday!   It's footage I took from an adventure we went on to Shakespare Regional Park, this beach is located at the tip of the Whangaparaoa Peninsula and is soooo beautiful.  I highly recommend a visit if you haven't been before.  To edit the video I used the app RAD VHS, it's super cute but a little nigly to get used to using. Song is Yuma by Matchstick, Abby showed me it,  I love it and listen to it on repeat. There's so many cool photo editing and video editing apps out there! Do you babes have any favourites? Kisses, AL XO

Sometimes saying “I don’t know” makes it all better

8 November, 1027

Dear Diary

I’ve been looking at my Bali photos, I love living simple and slow. I feel somewhat caught in the middle of two different lives right now.  I don’t really know what I need. But I know I need less. Less things. Less ‘to do’ lists. Less rushing. And at the same time I need more. More generosity. More presence. More patience.

 

I always thought I wanted a big life. Big things. Big impact. Big job. But I think maybe I misunderstood and what I really desire is an intentional life that has an impact. A powerful and positive impact on those closest to me.

 

But like I said I don’t really know and I feel like that’s ok for me right now.  So I’ll take those things I do know and start practicing them. Then I’ll see how I feel.

 

I’m not sure that anyone ever really knows what they need all the time anyway. Would it be boring to always know? Or maybe peaceful? I don’t know. If I find that place I’ll tell you.

💋 Goodnight.  AL XO

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The one relationship I'm determine to heal
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I remember my Mum having this affirmation when I was a kid (hello Louise Hay, You Can Heal Your Life). I also remember her telling me about it and suggesting I use it, but back then I totally didn't get it. Flash forward 16 or so years and I use this on the daily.

Every time I think an unkind thought about myself I'll cut myself off mid "girl look at that cellulite" and rebut with an even louder, more powerful and sincere, "I love and approve of myself". Yes, this means this mantra passes through my mind, even aloud sometimes, many times in a day. I also speak the words "Abbylee I love you" while looking at myself in the mirror.

Yip, I'm that girl. I'm on a path of self love.

Honestly, I'm nearly 30. Do you know what that means?! I've spent a 1/4 of my life picking myself apart and another 1/4 trying to make amends. I'm not there yet but this is the one relationship I'm determine to heal!

Who's with me?  Remember My Babes, you are loved, you are beautiful and you have everything in side of yourself that you could ever need. AL XO

“I love and accept myself”
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#MAMATRUTH | parents need guidance too

I can't quite put into worlds the frustration I feel as a Mama some times, I literally messaged Vinny to say "I don't think I'm made to be a Mum" the other day.  There are moments when I react rather than respond - then I feel guilty for it. I bribe, threaten (to take away toys etc) and count to three in hopes that this tiny child's brain will understand, will communicate and reason with me better than I'd expect an adult to.

Yesterday I got so desperate that something had to change, and of course it had to be me. I remembered that I am in control, something so simple, how could I have forgotten? Yet I'd gotten caught up in the story that I couldn't cope doing this solo and my child was only trouble.

I can happily say that after reading @janetlansbury's blog and listening to her audio book "no bad kids" the last 24 hours with Cas have been an absolute joy.  He's still gotten upset, been tired, cried and all that but I haven't, I haven't met him with big emotions. Instead I've provided a safe space for him to feel what he's feeling, remained calm and I've been so surprised with how quickly these moments have faded rather than escalated (like that would if I had of met him with the same amount of frustration and upset).

I'm not fab at putting this sort of stuff into words. But Mama's if you're ever feeling anything like the above or at a lose I highly recommend checking Janet.  Find her on @janetlansbury and her blog/books have been invaluable for helping me regain confidence as a fab Mama, she's wonderful at putting things in perspective. AL XO

 

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