Feeling the feels.


Wow. I think from this I’ve learnt that I’m not so good at talking about the hard stuff, or maybe I’m just afraid that I might come across as sad and I don’t want to be the sad girl.

Well, I am sad.  I'm also happy.  Emotions are not constant, they ebb and flow and mix like paint, you know the way paint does with the lines and swirls and beautifulness.  That’s like the happy and sad and everything between and outside of these emotions.

Some moments I’m crying and have happy thoughts, and my sadness breaks.  I like to watch my thoughts while I’m upset, it’s funny (yes, slightly comical) when I do.  I realise that I have the same thoughts over and over again and they make me feel repetitively sad.  Then I break them.  Take deep breaths and maybe I might cry again if I feel I need to.  Same goes for happiness, this is kind of how gratitude works.  The more you think something it triggers a joyous feeling and the more you think it the more you feel it.  Like the more you drive the same route to a destination, the more familiar it becomes, until you know it off my heart and you no longer have to even think about left or right, you just go.  This is the same as the pathways in the brain. 

Someone once told me how you only physiologically feel an emotion for 90seconds, you could literally watch a clock and when those 90 seconds are up, unless you repeat that thought and sit in it, then it’s gone.  Knowing this I have to practice feeling, expressing and crying.  I do feel sadness, and I now also cry.  What I don’t do is play the victim game or go near the “why me” mentality. 

My Mama is sick, like really sick. It’s been six months and the doctors/specialists/surgeons still don’t know what’s going on.  Blood tests indicate cancer but they can’t find it.  She has lists of symptoms and still they’re not sure. So it’s ok for me to be sad some moments, some days.

Please respect that I’m not asking for suggestions, I really just wanted to share this with you.  But Babes, your love, prayers and healing vibes are appreciated more than you know. ♡

DiaryAbbylee BonnyComment